A deep sense of loneliness

There are times when a deep sense of loneliness engulfs every inch of me and I can't escape it; like a solid and lasting punch to the heart.

It isn't brought on by seeing lovers kissing, or even by the memory of falling asleep in the strong yet soft and gentle embrace of a man. No, it isn't brought on by anything like this.
The loneliness just comes from nowhere, punches me in the heart and leaves me to deal with that solid and lasting pain that then consumes me. It's as though this punch leaves a hollowness in my heart and soul that I am unable to fill.

Last year it was more than I could handle. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything to anyone. Thinking that Jesus is meant to be my comforter and councillor, I foolishly kept telling myself that should be able to pray about this and the Holy Spirit would help me out - I shouldn't have to talk to anyone about this! I knew that in order to remove the power that a situation or the power that struggles held over me (or you), I needed to speak about them. By speaking about it I would be shedding light on that situation or struggle and removing the power it held over me.
But with this deep sense of loneliness, no.
I didn't want to speak to anyone, I didn't want to ask for help, asking for help is considered a sign of weakness (popular culture tells me that so it must be true) and I'm not weak....
But I was wrong; oh so very very wrong. It was weak to not ask for help.

Friends, didn't know I was struggling and I certainly wasn't about to tell them I constantly felt deeply and desperately lonely - that I was fighting these feelings even when I was with trusted friends and family. No, I wasn't about to talk to them.

It was the Christian prayer counsellor I was seeing at the time that I eventually told. It took a couple of months. Yet there in that private room under the cover of a signed confidentiality agreement (which seems SO important when you don't want to talk about your feelings) I took a big breath, lifted my head to heaven to avoid crying as I spoke and told someone. For the first time I said "I'm lonely. I can't escape this deep painful loneliness in my heart and soul. It really hurts!"

SO glad I said something! Once I stopped crying (yes, even lifting my head so the tears wouldn't roll down my cheeks they inevitably did) we prayed.
That's a lie - I didn't pray; my prayer counsellor prayed for me and I agreed with her prayer. She prayed against spirit of loneliness, and that the Lord Jesus would fill my heart with His unconditional love as only He can, and take away this the deep loneliness, to fill me with His joy and love.

It wasn't until I lay in bed that night that I even noticed that for the first time, in I've no idea how long, I didn't feel lonely. My heart wasn't screaming for love. I felt FULL of Jesus' love! That love that only He can give! Through the Holy Spirit I knew and now really felt loved! Loved beyond words and beyond understanding - I am LOVED!

Looking back, the hardest part was telling someone about it. I couldn't break free on my own, I'd tried for months to do it by myself and I couldn't, I needed to ask someone else to pray me through it.

I can't encourage you enough - if this article has spoken into your heart PLEASE go and see a counsellor or ask a trusted wise friend to help you and prayer with you. You only need to ask! 

The battle was not mine.

Many aspects of last year where incredibly hard for me. 

Work was the hardest. But Jesus gave me this job and only He was going to take it away.

When everything seemed to much, when I wanted to give up, friends helped me to have the courage to seek the wisdom and guidance of a wonderful prayer councillor, to seek God's face and let Him fight my war. 

When I didn't want to battle at work anymore, see my friends or smile and talk - the Lord was my strength and my salvation. 

Slowly, one day at a time and over weekly meetings for a couple of months I opened my heart to Jesus'  embrace. Slowly I gave in, and started to listen to Him, allowing Jesus to take the pain my enemies had inflicted. He was helping me stand up straight again.  

Slowly, I stood aside as Jesus softened my heart and strengthened my resolve that it was His plan and that at work that battle was already won by Him, not me. He carried me through it all. 

He won the battle on my behalf. 

The dust has settled now and my enemy is long gone. I am still here, still standing firm; Jesus and I. 

I can't begin to tell you how many times I read Psalm 27, but in it I found strength, perhaps you will too. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
 Whom shall I fear?
 The Lord is the strength of my life;
 Of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked came against me
 To eat up my flesh,
 My enemies and foes,
 They stumbled and fell.

Though an army may encamp against me, 
My heart shall not fear; 
Though war may rise against me, 
In this I will be confident.

One thing I have desired of the Lord, 
That will I seek:
 That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
 To behold the beauty of the Lord,
 And to inquire in His temple.

For in the time of trouble 
He shall hide me in His pavilion; 
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me; 
He shall set me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
 Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
 I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
 Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When You said, “Seek My face,”
 My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

Do not hide Your face from me; 
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
 You have been my help; 
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
 O God of my salvation.

When my father and my mother forsake me, 
Then the Lord will take care of me.

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
 And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.

Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; 
For false witnesses have risen against me, 
And such as breathe out violence.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
 That I would see the goodness of the Lord
 In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
 Be of good courage, 
And He shall strengthen your heart;
 Wait, I say, on the Lord!


NKJV: Bible Gateway

Day by day

At the end of last year I started praying about what 2012 would hold. About where God would lead me. To my astonishment and later dread, he told me I would be taking it a day at a time.
When speaking to friends it seemed evident that I should be journaling more this year too.

For those of you that don't know me very well, I plan everything! From the people I feel God asking me to pray for to the major achievements I want to make in a year. In fact last year (2011) was my year of planning, everything was planned out at the start of the year, right down to what I would do each day of the year. I had taken planning to a whole new level but I loved it!  

On the other hand, it's clear that God didn't love all my planning as much as I did. It's clear now that with all my planning going on there was no room for God to unfold his plans in areas where I already had my planning done.

So far living without a plan has been hard! 

Remembering to pray every morning that it's His day to do with what He likes is a challenge. But more than that it's trusting him on a day to day level for all the small little things. 

Trusting in Him when I meet up with friends that we'll have a great time and have heaps to talk about, instead of already knowing things we could talk about before hand. Because there are few people that I just 'click' with, and even fewer that I can happily sit with and not speak to I learnt a long time ago to have an idea of what to talk to a friend about. 

Trusting in Him to have a plan for my weekends instead of planning what to do with friends and family weeks in advance.   

Yup. God is stirring me up! His probably even lovingly laughing at me as I stumble around completely out of my comfort zone and relying on him. You can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humour, I know he does. At the end of this year I'm sure I'll be laughing at me too!

Welcome!

Welcome to 2012!

Quick prayer
Lord this new years is yours; your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Amen.